|from Riso's Enneagram Transformations on 9types.com
||[May. 6th, 2004|04:47 pm]
* being obsessed by my hostile feelings toward others.
* believing that sabotaging others will make things better for me.
* feeling jealous of others and their good fortune.
* my fear of failing and being humiliated.
* fearing that I am inadequate and will be rejected.
* feeling that I must conceal my mistakes and limitations.
* closing down my feelings in order to function.
* betraying my own integrity to get the admiration of others.
* attempting to misrepresent myself and my abilities.
* the grandiose expectations I have of myself.
* craving constant attention and affirmation.
* using arrogance to compensate for my own insecurity.
* desiring to impress others with my performance.
* concealing myself behind masks.
* comparing myself with others.
* driving myself relentlessly to be the best.
* that I have value regardless of my achievements.
* that I am centered and emotionally available.
* that I am caring and have a good heart.
* that I take in the love others give me.
* that I am responsible to those who look up to me.
* that I am happy to work for the good of others.
* that I develop my true talents by accepting who I am.
* that I delight in the accomplishments and successes of others.
* that I can reveal my real self without being afraid.
Funny, I had affirmed those in my journal recently =) [friends-only] I'll paste what I wrote in conclusion! The toughest ones to swallow:
- Feeling valuable regardless of achievements.
"But how can I accept myself unless I prove that I'm worthy of others?? Don't you know how disgusting and shameful it is not to be trying to accomplish anything??" or so says my mind, very loudly.
- Revealing my real self without being afraid of rejection.
"If people more fully knew my real me, they'd see a lot to be turned off by. All my rough points, if I reveal them, must be turned into things to improve - because trying to improve myself constantly looks good (to myself and others). I want to be admired, respected, and worthy of good people's attention!" I'm not quite sure why I have that emotional baggage though.
Maybe it's because my parents seem to have an eternal reserve on the amount of admiration they can express. I've accomplished admirable things 4.0s, but they seem to find it unnatural to express much enthusiasm about it or about me. I know they love me (etc.) but I could use some more praise (darnit) when it's due. Thus I turn to others to try to fill that emotional gap. It's like I constantly have to impress people, and impress myself, or else I'm empty - hollow - blank - without substance.
I don't really feel like I'm blaming my parents, but that I'm blaming myself for my reactions to my parents.
Lol, so true.
I am quite a Utilitarian at heart. It's like, "If I'm not useful, make me into glue". We just want to make the world a better place, I figure, but that can't be don't 'til we realise our true status as human beings, as worth in ourselves.
I understand that you are not blaming your parents but surely blaming yourself is not much better? The need to blame people, be they other or ourselves, is characteristic of threemanship, because we want roots causes, we want action, we want improvement. Perhaps we should just recognise the BEST way to be, with ourselves and with other, e.g. family. But then surely we still have (possibly unattainable) goals.
So therefore I conclude that we need to reconsider judgement, both its effects and its purpose. Why do we judge? How are be best to satisfy ourselves? Perhas we should just be more real.
I don't have any answers apart from faith but I sympathise - no, I empathise, with all of that, and if it makes you feel better I think it'd a considerable achievement to even read that list seriously. :)
damn this phobia of being vulnerable!
These are challenging ideas to threes - why explore these ideas when "weakness" and "vulnerability" seem to be interchangeable ideas in popular media?
Rhetorical question - I'm not negating your posting - you've posted some interesting affirmations. Thank you for posting these.